ARE YOU PROSOCIAL?

WE NEED EACH OTHER

Cultures and communities have survived throughout history through the strength of the community. The holiday season means time with family for many, however, community includes friends and work too. The challenge is that the quality of a community comes from the quality of our relationships. This is where it gets tricky because it starts with the relationship we have with ourselves; however, our relationship with ourselves is impacted by the relationships we have with others. 

EVERYTHING IS INTERCONNECTED.

When I studied mind-body-social health, we looked at trauma, and its connection with belonging to a community to feel safe. The essential shift is that Maslow’s hierarchy of needs being food on the table and shelter are not the primary danger to our survival; being outside of the community is. In our modern life, where many live separate from family, our work has become that community.

Over the years I have see the need for the emotional and psychological safety that comes from inclusion and belonging as a key factor in a self-care growth mindset. When we don’t feel seen and heard, we feel excluded from the community and end up not feeling that we matter, including to ourselves; we stop looking for ways to grow.

When we don't feel we contribute and are important in the context of the whole, we lose motivation. To soothe the pain of separate-ness, and the heartache of not belonging, we can fall into the trap of numbing the pain with too much food, alcohol, work, and TV, especially during the Holidays when many feel isolated, alone or struggling with social anxiety during holiday parties. 

CONNECTION STARTS WITH YOU

It’s not surprising; we are social beings and inspire self-worth in each other simply by caring. It’s the reality of how interconnected we are and why self-care is not really about self, but rather about care because it’s how we connect, communicate, and collaborate better together. 

The human connection is key. Not only to unlock a self-care growth mindset but to build a strong culture where people belong and work better together. The interactive crux of this is that we can only connect to others to the level we are able to connect to ourselves. Buddhist philosophy teaches us that we feel more engaged and worthy when we are in the service of others; however, they preface that it starts with our connection with self.

THE GIFT OF YOUR ATTENTION

During this holiday season, and any other season for that matter, practice pausing. The greatest gift we can give someone is our presence. To care about someone is to give them the gift of feeling seen and heard, and that starts with learning to listen. To give someone the gift of your attention. 

And yes, you guessed it, to do so, we need to pause more. Pause, listen, and ask more questions, which is the practice of Power-Pausing. 

When my dad was dying, and I was so busy cleaning and taking care of him, making sure he was comfortable, he stopped me and asked me to come and sit down with him. He said, “I don’t need you to take care of me; I need to know you care about me. Can we just talk?”

It changed my perspective forever and, with that, my life. It taught me that real connection is a conversation where we can stop the inner hamster wheel of our thoughts from distracting us, where we can pause the self-talk of our fear and anxieties and be here right now, and where we can listen with curiosity because we want to learn and understand, not judge and command the person in front of us. Now, we may not do that intentionally; it may be unconsciously, which is why all connections start with the one we have with ourselves, reclaiming agency over our attention and engaging in conversations with the people right in front of us.  

FROM SOCIAL ANXIETY TO PROSOCIAL

I have always loved being around other people and engaging in conversation, especially as an only child, feeling lonely and not belonging, I craved being in relationships with others, however some childhood traumas around rejection could get in the way.

I have learned to be friends with my inner feelings and learned how to be prosocial by focusing my attention on being present.

I use Power-Pausing to get comfortable with the discomfort of wondering if I belong, and with that, I can engage with more ease and enjoy being social without the anxiety. I realized that I could change how I think, engage, and act, I could build stronger relationships through better conversations.