WHERE DOES CONFIDENCE COME FROM?
Confidence is not something we have or not, it's something we build.
When I was working in the fashion business, it was apparent that how we dress makes us more or less confident. However, I don’t believe we can buy confidence, yet brands bank on that. The marketing triggers us into believing that when we wear the right brand, we will feel confident because we are part of “that group of people who….” However, I didn’t find that to be true. I found that to be false confidence. We might be confident about choice, but we might not feel confident about who we are. I know. It’s complex, and I’m not trying to play with words here. I consistently found that people felt confident in what they wore when it was socially acceptable and made them feel good because it matched their personality.
These days, we talk a lot about bringing our whole selves to work, and within that is the conversation of how we look and what we wear as part of self-expression. When I first came to the US and was interviewing for a job, I was told they were interested and… I had to wear a dress and stockings to work every day. I said no to the job. I would have felt so uncomfortable and beside myself dressing like that. It was part of their office attire but not mine. I can dress for the office, but they wanted me to look like someone I’m not. Thankfully, we have come further than that. However, the conversation about how we look and dress to build confidence is missing the point of how it makes you feel from the inside out. Are you comfortable? Does it match your personality?
When designing retail stores for fashion designers, I always asked them how they wanted people to FEEL in their clothes because that’s the feeling I wanted people to have in the store, too.
True confidence is about coming home to ourselves.
We cannot build confidence based on being liked and accepted because it only gives us a false sense of security in not being rejected. Our confidence depends on others' opinions, not our own. Does the difference resonate with you? Feeling safe that we fit in and feeling confident in our own skin is not the same thing.
Confidence is an inside job. It starts with self-acceptance.
In my book, The Self-Care Mindset, I talk about turning the inner critic into the inner coach to shift our self-talk from “not good enough” to asking questions that shift our attention onto what we need. When your intention is to grow, your attention shifts to how.
Confidence can be in your skills and ability to navigate the unknown. Being willing not to know and learn. Confidence is a growth mindset where we stop thinking we are a problem to solve and instead a possibility, opportunity, and an advantage to harness. We humans have a unique ability: the power of choice. When we pause to reflect on what we need to figure something out rather than getting stuck in what we are not able to accomplish, we tap into our inherent growth mindset, which is also how we build confidence.
Some have blind confidence.
Blind confidence is when the ego is driving our relationship with ourselves. That means we might not even pause to reflect, and we just do what we have done before because it worked, and we are scared to fail. We can come across as ignorant and arrogant when we don’t feel confident and attempt to sound like we know it all and are right about something without being open to exploration.
This kind of confidence is not growth; it’s a fixed mindset that blocks us from developing good teamwork. A fixed mindset wants things to stay the same because that’s how we can feel certain in our false confidence. It stops us from listening to other perspectives and including other possibilities that could open the door to solving problems in a way that might be more effective and efficient.
Inner confidence fuels outer collaboration.
When we can learn to pause, listen, and ask better questions, starting with ourselves, we cultivate a mindset that allows our inner confidence to grow because we gain more clarity. With that, we can engage with more curiosity and courage.
Confidence is also not something we either have or don’t have. We can feel confident in some situations and then not in others. That’s what some call imposter syndrome, but that’s another newsletter.
Practice pausing to ask questions that allow you to explore what you need to feel more confident in a challenging situation. Keep asking what you need so that you can face whatever you need to be present for, learn, or face the challenge of what’s ahead.
The best tool is to ask questions instead of looking for the answer. That way, you allow your mind to build up your confidence rather than break it down.
Here’s an example:
Let’s say you have to prepare to give a presentation, and you feel anxious about it because you are not used to speaking in front of people.
Start with the question, –– What do I need so that I can show up confidently about the topic and how I present it? I want to feel calm and collected. I want to come across as knowledgeable. I wish to present with ease.
What do I need so that I feel more confident? The answer you come to might be to ensure the presentation is solid. Now, keep going.
Then you ask, what do I need to ensure the presentation is solid? The answer might be to share it with some people and ask for feedback about what they feel could be added, what works, and what doesn’t seem clear. (Always ask for exactly the input you want to learn - not just if someone likes it or not).
Then, what do I need to feel more confident speaking in front of people? The answer that comes up might be studying some of the skills speakers learn about voice, pause, and cadence.
Next, the answer might be that you must practice what you want to say to ensure you know exactly what you want to say.
Then, you can ask more questions about that and keep going.
When you can keep asking questions, that’s how you build with curiosity, one step at a time, towards the results you are working on achieving ––with confidence.
